The holiday season can be a difficult time when grieving the loss of a loved one. It’s supposed to be a festive season. But the forced cheer of holiday lights and carols blaring everywhere can worsen the ache within your heart. Getting together with family and friends can highlight a missing loved one and make your loss seem overwhelming.

I wanted to skip the holidays after I’d lost my son. But I had two younger children to think about, so I pushed ahead with traditions, parties and decorating the house. I did a lot wrong in those early years. But I’ve discovered strategies that help me cope during the holidays.

It’s ok to set boundaries

The holidays can be chaotic, filled with parties and obligations and a to-do list that seems endless. Learn to say no. You don’t need to attend every event or do everything you once did. Find the ones that are important to you. And think ahead - if you’re attending a party, give yourself an escape hatch. Plan on staying for only thirty minutes - if you want to stay longer, that’s fine, but just knowing you can leave early can make you feel less anxious about attending.

Don’t push away your emotions

Allow yourself to feel the full range of your emotions. You might swing back and forth between joy and sorrow. Don’t push your feelings away. Stay with the moment, welcoming the joy over a child’s laughter as they rip away the wrapping paper on a gift. Smile as the warmth of past memories fills you. Let the tears flow when a wave of sorrow washes through you.

Be kind to yourself

The voice of your inner critic can be loud during the holidays. I need to be stronger. Why is this still so hard for me? I should be further along in my grief journey.

 We even compare ourselves to others, wondering why someone else seems to be coping so much better than we are. Or we set a deadline for grief and beat ourselves up when grief still swallows us up. We can’t always push away that voice, so give yourself something different to listen to. Choose a statement that resonates with you or write your own. Say it often throughout the day. Or write it down and post it where you can see it.

I will be kind to myself today.

I will honor my needs today.

I will allow myself to feel all my emotions.

Create new traditions

Some of our family traditions were important to me, like Christmas Eve pajamas and lighting candles for Advent. Some were too painful, like hanging the stocking with my son’s name on it. But I couldn’t stand the thought of only hanging four stockings. So I bought five new stockings. Instead of names on them, I wrote one word on each of them - peace, love, hope, wonder and joy. A friend of mine hangs her daughter’s stocking and writes notes to her all month long. Choose the traditions you want to keep and find new ways to honor your loved one. Perhaps lighting a candle or writing memories on a tablecloth or buying a new ornament each year. Experiment and keep the new traditions that fill your heart.

Move your muscles

Our minds can be so strong, convincing ourselves we’re fine and pushing away our grief. But our body always knows. Tension creeps into our muscles, tightening our shoulders. Our fingers cramp from holding them so tight. Moving can help our muscles release some of this tension. You can start a regular exercise routine, but if that’s too much for right now, you can walk around the block or put on a favorite song and dance in your kitchen. Try yoga or gentle stretches. We feel emotions in our body, from the lump in our throats to the heaviness in our hearts. Moving your body helps to release some of the stored emotions.

Clear your mind

Our thoughts can be very chaotic during the holiday season. One way to help with swirling thoughts is by writing them down. Even just writing a to-do list can help you manage the feeling of overwhelm. You can go further by journaling your feelings. You can write about your emotions, whether they be anger or sorrow or joy. You can write a memory of your loved one during the holidays. Don’t worry about writing in complete sentences. It could be a list of favorite gifts or foods that always made them rub their hands together in anticipation. Or write them a letter. Writing releases emotions while helping us understand them better. And it helps us feel more connected to our loved one.

Calm your mind

Find ways to bring more peace into your life. It could be as simple as lighting a candle and watching the yellow and orange flames flicker for a few moments. Or taking three long, slow, deep breaths. A hot shower or bath that relaxes both the mind and muscles can help. Or listening to quiet, instrumental music.

I do all of these things, but the one that helps the most is meditating. Even just a few minutes of sitting quietly with your thoughts can help calm your mind. It gives you the resilience to deal with the stresses of grieving during the holiday season.

A guided meditation is excellent at helping calm your mind. I created this Silent Night Meditation as a way to bring a little peace into your life. I’m playing the harp in this meditation. I weave in the song Silent Night. Each time you hear it, let the music guide you deeper into the meditation. Let the notes surround you, settling inside you as you imagine the peace like a blanket wrapped around you.